Why You’re Single: Choice or Circumstance? (Part 2)
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Ever wonder if you’re single by choice or just because the dating pool feels more like a kiddie pool? Well, grab your floaties because we’re diving deep into that question today! We're chatting about the real reasons people find themselves single, and spoiler alert: it often comes down to a lack of good options rather than a conscious decision to embrace the single life. I share my own experiences and frustrations, from the unsolicited advice about "putting myself out there" to the myth that being single means I’m somehow less desirable. It’s a relatable journey through the Bermuda Triangle of dating — where options vanish and frustration reigns supreme. So, whether you're single by luck, circumstance, or just looking for a reason to laugh at the absurdities of dating, this episode is for you! Let’s dig in and see if we can make sense of this chaotic love landscape together.This episode tackles the hard-hitting topic of being single—not just the choice to be single, but the circumstances that often lead us to navigate the dating world without partners. I candidly discuss my own experiences and the societal pressures that come with being single, from unsolicited advice to the feeling of being judged by friends and family who assume our single status is a personal choice. Spoiler alert: it’s often not that simple! I share moments of vulnerability, like going out and not encountering any attractive or available men, and the frustration that arises from feeling like options are scarce. Along the way, we touch on the importance of self-awareness and understanding our own needs in relationships, as well as the significance of not settling for just anyone. This episode is a reminder that it's perfectly okay to desire a partner while also enjoying the single life. We reflect on the balance between wanting to be loved and finding comfort in our independence, and ultimately, we recognize that it's all part of the beautiful mess that is life.
Takeaways:
- Being single is often a result of circumstances rather than personal choice; many people face a lack of good options.
- It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking one is single by choice when it may really be due to a lack of opportunities.
- The pressure to be in a relationship can lead to feelings of invalidation, especially when others assume you're single by choice.
- Creating connections with others, even in casual settings, can help expand your social circle and potentially lead to romantic opportunities.
- We often need to challenge the narrative around being single; it's perfectly okay to want a partner while enjoying your independence.
- Don't be afraid to reflect on your own needs and desires in relationships; self-awareness is key to understanding your relationship status.
Transcript
Looking back through your times being single, what were some of the reasons why you were single and not coupled up?
Speaker A:If you're new here, welcome to All About Being Single.
Speaker A:I'm your host, Violeta.
Speaker A:If you've been around, welcome back.
Speaker A:If you haven't already, please go ahead and follow or subscribe to this show.
Speaker A:Just so you don't miss any future episodes.
Speaker A:Don't they come out every Tuesday just in time for your drive to work?
Speaker A:Welcome to part two of last week's episode.
Speaker A:I believe last week we finished off the content talking about how people saying, oh, you're so pretty, why are you single?
Speaker A:Or you're so pretty, you have options.
Speaker A:It's just so invalidating.
Speaker A:So today, let's go ahead and pick it right back up, and let's keep talking about some of the reasons why I am not single by choice.
Speaker A:Like, I do think that.
Speaker A:Again, the rhetoric nowadays is that people assume if you're single, it's intentional.
Speaker A:And so many of them will say things like, hell, yeah, good for you.
Speaker A:You have standards.
Speaker A:And, you know, relationships are.
Speaker A:And just invalidate you more and your experience and, you know, try to kind of, in a sense, like, put your.
Speaker A:Put themselves on your level by somehow trying to make you feel better about not having the options that you want to have and not being coupled up by saying, oh, relationships are garbage.
Speaker A:Then go be single like me.
Speaker A:I know you don't want to be, but go be single like me if you believe that.
Speaker A:Relationships are such garbage.
Speaker A:And it's also just such a different kind of hurt when I do do have standards, but I'm just almost like, never given the opportunity to exercise them.
Speaker A:And I'm not given, like, the option to stop dating people because they're not up to my standards, because I'm just not even given options of people that I'm even interested in dating, you know, or the fact that somehow it's like, fault the married, you know, almost like, make it seem like it's your fault that you're single.
Speaker A:And, you know, then the unsolicited advice starts, oh, maybe go to more parties.
Speaker A:And it's like, I don't want to be going out.
Speaker A:Like, I'm not interested in going out at night, you know, or put yourself out there, or your standards are too high.
Speaker A:And it's like, sorry that yours are below ground level.
Speaker A:I don't want to do what you're doing.
Speaker A:And for me, it's like, not even for lack of trying.
Speaker A:Like, I smile at men when I go out.
Speaker A:I walk in My neighborhood a lot.
Speaker A:I go on hikes, I travel solo, and I travel with friends, and I travel with family.
Speaker A:I'm more out and about than most people that I even know.
Speaker A:I go out alone constantly.
Speaker A:Like I go out with friends, I go run errands, I go sit at cafes.
Speaker A:At least like four times a week around my neighborhood.
Speaker A:And I either just don't see many men who are attractive around, or I don't see many men who are single around, or I just don't see many men.
Speaker A:I see more women in general out and about, or the men that are out and about, maybe they don't even make eye contact.
Speaker A:Or the ones that do talk to me, I'm not interested in.
Speaker A:So it's almost like this Bermuda Triangle of just shame and frustration and anger at just the lack of the choices.
Speaker A:Choices for me to pick from.
Speaker A:And I know that some of it could be age related.
Speaker A:Obviously I am 38, but also all the places I go to those are.
Speaker A:You can go there at any age.
Speaker A:So it's not like I'm going to places where it's only for like the 35 and up club.
Speaker A:I'm just out and about, living my regular life.
Speaker A:And you know, you'd be expecting more people to be out and about, but I feel like more people are sitting at home.
Speaker A:And also the financial situation, most people are sitting at home because they just don't have money to go out.
Speaker A:And sometimes there's like that level of comparison to your friends or just people that you see who somehow find partners easily and just get in and out of relations somehow.
Speaker A:And then there's like the forever single me.
Speaker A:It almost like makes you feel like there's like an inability for you to connect with people, people that you're interested in.
Speaker A:Some people will just claim that I'm friend zoning others.
Speaker A:And it's like, I'm not gonna force myself to date someone I'm not into.
Speaker A:It's extremely unfair to me.
Speaker A:But even more so, it would be so unfair to them.
Speaker A:Like, I would never want somebody to date me because they pity me.
Speaker A:And also most of the time I don't even have like the time or the ability to friends on somebody because most of my friends are women.
Speaker A:Well, I don't really believe in friends of the opposite sex that much.
Speaker A:So there's also that.
Speaker A:So I try to stay away from just being friends with somebody or like hanging out with a guy one on one.
Speaker A:Like, I don't mind hanging out with guys as friends in like bigger groups.
Speaker A:Like I Love the Walking club, where I am making guy friends in that sense of people that I hang out with when we're there.
Speaker A:But I don't necessarily like just going one on one with a guy.
Speaker A:Most of the time, somebody's interested in somebody.
Speaker A:And I will still say this over and over and over again, even.
Speaker A:Even if we're late, we're right on time.
Speaker A:Like, I know I am.
Speaker A:This is an episode where I'm just venting more so than anything.
Speaker A:But I know there's a reason why I'm single right now.
Speaker A:I might not know the reason for a while, but I know there's a reason.
Speaker A:Or at least I'd like to believe that there is.
Speaker A:But again, if it was up to me, I would just.
Speaker A:I would be given all these options that I'm interested in pursuing, and then I would date a few of them, and then I would just pick the best one out of them.
Speaker A:If I could just live in a different reality, that's what I would choose.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:But I am in the reality that I am in, and I know that a lot of you probably are in the same reality.
Speaker A:We're just not seeing people who are single who you're interested in.
Speaker A:My Never again.
Speaker A:Today, I will never again pretend that I'm single by choice when it's really the circumstances that I am single by.
Speaker A:It's, you know, I'm single because of a lack of options that I believe that are on my level.
Speaker A:I'm single by the luck that I have in meeting good quality men that I'm interested in or that are interested in me and that are interested in me.
Speaker A:I'm single by the lack of reciprocity in attraction to people that I'm interested in that are interested in me.
Speaker A:Again, it's not by choice that I'm single.
Speaker A:It's by the circumstances that have been given to me.
Speaker A:Again, I will never say that I'm single by choice because by choice, if I had options that I'm interested in, I wouldn't be single right now.
Speaker A:The hill I'll die on is that a lot of people lie to themselves.
Speaker A:Often there's a large number of people online disregarding their own needs and wanting to just fit in with what's kind of cool.
Speaker A:And an even larger amount that are pretending they want to be single when they're just traumatized and maybe haven't healed, you know, wounds of a previous romantic encounter or encounters or relationships or situations, ships, whatever you want to call them.
Speaker A:You know, like a personal example of mine.
Speaker A:I had an ex boyfriend that cheated on me repeatedly and I quote unquote didn't want to date after that ex of mine who was a serial treater.
Speaker A:But it was really because I didn't heal from that.
Speaker A:And you know, I had put up walls.
Speaker A:And so it's not really that I wanted to necessarily be single after that.
Speaker A:I just didn't want to put myself out there and get hurt again.
Speaker A:And for that, for the next few years after that, I did really hate all men in a sense.
Speaker A:And you're not in a good spot when you're hating a whole gender.
Speaker A:And what's better at that point is just getting some more self awareness and getting some help for the wounds that you have had, seeing a therapist, getting some self help books and figuring stuff out, figuring why maybe you fall for people who do that kind of stuff to you or stay with them.
Speaker A:That's something I needed to learn the hard way, clearly.
Speaker A:And the no life to stand on.
Speaker A:A lot of people will tell you that you're too picky and honestly you probably have not been picky enough.
Speaker A:Most people are too obsessed with being picked and aren't obsessed enough with picking and being picky.
Speaker A:You likely won't hear this from someone who's not projecting because they themselves aren't too picky.
Speaker A:A lot of people are too worried about being picked and not enough about picking someone that they actually align with and values and needs and interests and attractiveness and finances.
Speaker A:Just people that are on their levels.
Speaker A:A lot of time people see options and I've definitely also done this the last time I really like fully dated online and did like the dating apps.
Speaker A:I had a few options of people to choose from.
Speaker A:I really was going on like 10, 14 dates a week and I picked the guy that was the best one out of all those options.
Speaker A:But that doesn't mean that it's a good option and he was a good option.
Speaker A:I should have stuck around and just continued on dating until I really found like the option.
Speaker A:But also it's the apps.
Speaker A:So probably that would have probably taken me another 10 years.
Speaker A:But yeah, a lot of people are obsessed with being picked and don't focus on bringing similar things to the damn table that everybody else brings.
Speaker A:You know, so everybody eats and enjoys it the same in that relationship.
Speaker A:Okay, let's do our note to self.
Speaker A:So if you're new here, just take a moment to reflect on this question I'm about to give you guys and write it down.
Speaker A:Say it out loud.
Speaker A:You know, maybe if you're feeling Brave Go to all about being single.com and voice note me so we can feature you on a future episode.
Speaker A:So here's your question.
Speaker A:Am I single by choice or single by the lack of good options?
Speaker A:So basically, are you single because you legit don't want to be in a relationship right now because maybe you're focused on improving your own life or trying to work more?
Speaker A:Or is it because you keep going out places and you keep trying and you just don't meet people that you're interested in?
Speaker A:And while you're thinking about it, I am going to do about.
Speaker A:Well, I'm going to dance for a full song, but I'll do a little break so that you guys can think about that question and reflect on it.
Speaker A:Or if you don't want to do that right now and you have the ability to dance with me because, you know, I believe that everybody should dance every day.
Speaker A:And I'll talk to you after this little 30 second break.
Speaker A:And so my answer is, for most of the past three years since my last relationship, I've been single mainly because I just wasn't meeting men that I would be interested in that would be interested in me again.
Speaker A:And could be because I live in the suburbs and so it is obviously more family oriented.
Speaker A:But like I would go out to places and just wouldn't meet people that were single.
Speaker A:Or if I did meet somebody which was very rare, like they'd be either way too old for me and I want to have kids still or I just, you know, something happened.
Speaker A:Just nothing happened basically.
Speaker A:But yeah, like, I am very.
Speaker A:I'm only attracted to people like once every few months it seems like, you know, and so I just don't really find a lot of men attractive, to be completely honest with you.
Speaker A:Like, I just have a specific taste and, you know, and I just really need them to be very interesting, very smart, very funny.
Speaker A:Just there needs to be a good banter and the looks have to match up the banter, you know.
Speaker A:So, yeah, I just, a lot of times, like the men I would talk to, I just wouldn't be interested in them.
Speaker A:And I'm not saying anything bad about the man.
Speaker A:Like there was nothing necessarily wrong with them.
Speaker A:Well, some of them, yes, of course, obviously.
Speaker A:But you know, most of them there's not.
Speaker A:It's just I just wasn't interested in them.
Speaker A:So basically I just want you to know that like, if you're single, not by choice, but by circumstance, you're really not alone.
Speaker A:So many of us are not single by choice.
Speaker A:And there's nothing embarrassing about wanting to be loved by a good person that you're interested in, that's interested in you.
Speaker A:And there's the same level of interest, basically.
Speaker A:Just because you want partnership doesn't mean that you are unhappily single either.
Speaker A:Obviously, I know you know this, or if you don't, maybe you're not at that stage yet, you can be as happy as your single life circumstances allow it to be and still crave that partnership at the same time.
Speaker A:Always remember that it's just human, you know, and you're just human.
Speaker A:I'm just human like the rest of us.
Speaker A:This is just normal.
Speaker A:That's how we were wired.
Speaker A:But also remember, single by choice is different than single by luck or circumstance or both.
Speaker A:And we don't have to pretend like, oh, we're single by choice.
Speaker A:We don't have to, like, feed into this, oh, I just am kind of constantly saying no to people, and so I'm single by choice, or, you know, I love this single life just so people, like, fuck off and stop, you know, trying to make us feel bad about the singleness.
Speaker A:It's okay if you're just single by circumstance.
Speaker A:I know that's why I'm single.
Speaker A:And I don't fully believe in this rhetoric of, oh, I'm single by choice most of the time.
Speaker A:There's been obviously times in my life where I've just been single by choice.
Speaker A:Either way, I'd still rather not have the options or be called, you know, quote unquote, too picky when the options are presented, rather than just go with who's picking me and not having that need to just be picked.
Speaker A:Okay, this episode was coming to a close, which is crazy.
Speaker A:And I'm, I. I was really excited to talk about this topic because it's definitely a topic that I've thought about for so long and, and it's been such a common theme in my singleness.
Speaker A:And so I'm really, I'm really happy that I got to talk to you about this.
Speaker A:And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with somebody who you think might benefit from it.
Speaker A:Okay, the last thing the weekly glow up here is your food for thought.
Speaker A:So I used to not start conversations with men, and that was a choice.
Speaker A:So maybe some of not meaning men or women, you know, whatever you like, obviously that you want to be options for you.
Speaker A:Maybe some of it might be a little bit more of a choice than we do like to believe.
Speaker A:So there is this part of that not always just Saying since we could always improve with anything and everything, obviously, but maybe we could try to create more opportunities for ourselves if we're not creating those opportunities at all, you know?
Speaker A:So, for example, I know that I could make sure to start conversations with more people that I meet in a day, even if it's not even just for dating, but just in general to have conversations with people or even smile at people more in a day.
Speaker A:You know, I know there's some times when I'm like at a cafe and I'm working on something and somebody walks past and I don't smile.
Speaker A:And I know that that's something I could work on a little bit, A, because it makes me feel good.
Speaker A:I'm sure it makes the person feel good being acknowledged.
Speaker A:And B, you never know where connections could go.
Speaker A:So, again, it doesn't necessarily have to be men that I'm interested in or men that you're.
Speaker A:Or women that you're interested in.
Speaker A:Just people around you, basically.
Speaker A:Maybe you'll just.
Speaker A:Maybe you'll expand on your conversation skills or maybe have a better time while out.
Speaker A:When you're out solo, maybe you'll learn something.
Speaker A:Maybe they'll, you know, try to hook you up with somebody.
Speaker A:You never know.
Speaker A:The possibilities are always endless.
Speaker A:So what I'm trying to say is this week, maybe just go out of your way and do something that's a little bit, for some of you might be out of your comfort zone and just at least make some kind of a goal that includes connecting with strangers.
Speaker A:So it could just be smiling at somebody once this week, could be smiling at somebody every day this week.
Speaker A:Again, this is regarding strangers.
Speaker A:You know, it could be, you know, paying it forward at some place, whatever you think that would help you out, but just basically trying to put yourself.
Speaker A:Not put yourself out there, hate that phrase, but just trying to start some kind of.
Speaker A:Even it's a very superficial, very short connection with somebody else by smiling or starting conversation, paying for them, whatever the case might be.
Speaker A:So just once this week anyhow, let me know how that goes.
Speaker A:So either DM me at thisis Violeta.
Speaker A:That's thisis W I O L E T A or at all about being single on Instagram and let me know how that went.
Speaker A:And I would love to share these on my stories.
Speaker A:Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker A:I always want you to remember that even if you're late, you're right on time.
Speaker A:And I hope that this is your space, your era and your community.
Speaker A:I will talk to you next Tuesday.
