Single by Circumstance: Why It’s Okay to Want More (Part 1)
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Feeling like the only single person in a sea of couples? Trust me, you’re not alone! In this episode, we dive into the complexities of being single, especially when it feels like it’s not by choice. I’m here to let you know that wanting to be in a healthy relationship is totally okay, and it’s high time we acknowledge that many folks out there are pretending to be happy with their single status when, truth be told, they’d rather be coupled up. We chat about the societal pressures surrounding singlehood, the challenges of dating, and how the push for independence often overlooks the reality that many are just struggling to find a good match. So, whether you've been single for a hot minute or a decade, grab your favorite snack and tune in as we explore the ups and downs of the single life!
Being single can sometimes feel like an exclusive club, but let me tell you, it’s a club that many of us didn’t sign up for willingly! In this episode, I dive deep into the realities of being single, especially when it's not by choice. We’re talking about the societal pressures that make it seem like everyone is happily single, while in reality, many people are just trying to make the best of a situation they didn’t choose. I explore the notion that it’s perfectly okay to crave companionship and a healthy relationship, and that wanting to be coupled up doesn’t mean you’re any less independent or valid. I share my personal experiences of navigating this sometimes frustrating landscape, where it feels like the good options are few and far between. So grab a cozy blanket, maybe a snack (or two), and let’s chat about the ups and downs of single life. It’s time to embrace our truths, whether we’re loving our single era or just trying to survive it!
Takeaways:
- It's totally okay to wish for a meaningful relationship instead of being single.
- Being single doesn't mean you have to be happy about it; it's okay to want more.
- We should embrace our single era and make it a powerful and positive experience.
- The push for single independence often overlooks the real struggles of being alone.
- Not every single person is enjoying their status; sometimes it's just a lack of options.
- Women can now choose to be single, but many still desire genuine connections.
Transcript
Why does it seem like I'm the only one single?
Speaker A:Not by choice?
Speaker A:Welcome back to All About Being Single.
Speaker A:I'm Violetta, your host.
Speaker A:I want you to know the it is okay for you to not want to be single.
Speaker A:It is okay for you to want nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship.
Speaker A:It is okay that you are single not by choice, but.
Speaker A:But by circumstance or lack of maybe good enough options or lack of great options or a lack of just people that you believe are compatible with you or by a lack of whatever the reason is that you are single right now.
Speaker A:So whether you've been single for the last day or two months or a decade, it is okay if you don't want to be single your whole life.
Speaker A:We are social beings.
Speaker A:It's totally fine if we want to be in relationships.
Speaker A:Okay, so let's get down to business.
Speaker A:So there is this weird push and, like, almost like some kind of normalization.
Speaker A:Not even sure that's a word in society currently that has so many people out here who are single that are constantly saying that they just are choosing to be single and choosing that lifestyle.
Speaker A:And I'm not saying that the lifestyle itself or wanting to be single is bad.
Speaker A:I'm saying I think there's a lot of people who are pretending that they want to be single when they don't.
Speaker A:And what I'm trying to say is it's okay to want to not be single.
Speaker A:I am of the belief that, like, we should make the single era as positive as possible.
Speaker A:And I do believe that we make.
Speaker A:We can make our single era our superpower, in a sense, because we are in the single era, so we might as well make it a superpower.
Speaker A:But I also believe that at the same time, it is totally fine and valid, more than okay to want to be coupled up to not want to be single or to not want to be single for, like, too long.
Speaker A:And I know, again, I believe in, like, it's okay to be single for, like, a certain amount of time, but after a while, it's being single is just.
Speaker A:And being by yourself all the time is just too much.
Speaker A:So, like, if the people who are saying they want to, you know, they're loving being single are truly being honest with themselves, and they truly are happy being single, that's fantastic.
Speaker A:I absolutely love that for them.
Speaker A:And no, I don't mean it in the sarcastic way I usually do when I say I love that for you.
Speaker A:I truly mean that it's a positive thing and I'm happy for them.
Speaker A:So if they're truly healthy individuals and they're wanting that the more power to them.
Speaker A:Keep doing you.
Speaker A:And if you're listening to me and you are one of those people and you truly, truly believe that being single is something that you want and you're loving it, I, I'm so happy for you.
Speaker A:Keep enjoying your single era for as long as you can, even if it's forever, you know, if, if that's what you want, you know, whether it be for the next year, for the next few months, or for the rest of your life, that's fucking fantastic, you know, and I do believe that all life paths are valid if that's what you really want, if you're not lying to yourself, if you truly want, want that.
Speaker A:So I love the fact that especially for women, we can now make being single a choice.
Speaker A:And since women had been forced and sometimes honestly still are even in the US for those of you who are non believers into marriage and having children, and I know that we've come a long fucking way and I think that's fantastic.
Speaker A:But just because as a society we have the choice to get married or not, if we choose not to get married, because women can now earn just full time income, it doesn't mean that every woman wants to not get married or not to be in long term relationships.
Speaker A:But yeah, I just feel like it seems like we have done kind of a complete 180 and now we see all these studies comparing like the singles and the marrieds and the happiness levels between the people married with kids, people who are single, which is good.
Speaker A:I mean, more studies, always a positive thing.
Speaker A:But there definitely seems to be a push for, hey, go out there and be independent and be single.
Speaker A:And honestly I believe that a lot of that stuff is being pushed by people who aren't independent, who aren't single, who, who don't understand what it takes to be a household of one and actually have to take care of everything by yourself because it's a lot of work.
Speaker A:And I do think there are people who lie to themselves and put on this Persona of oh my God, I'm happy being single because it's just easier to say that than be vulnerable and state what they're actually feeling and state the fact that if they had the choice to not be single, they would choose not to be single, they would choose to be partnered up, you know, so it's almost like for so much of society, and I know again, I know we live in good times, but so much in society there's been this Thing about women were looked down on that they were single for a long time, and people, you know, made fun of the fact that single women existed.
Speaker A:And it was always like, oh, my God, this lady and her cat, and she cannot get somebody.
Speaker A:And that's obviously bad.
Speaker A:That's horrible that people were being made fun of.
Speaker A:But also, I bet you if we went back, you know, and asked some of those women, it's like they probably did want to be partner up.
Speaker A:They maybe just couldn't find somebody, Somebody good to partner up with.
Speaker A:So it's not like they were choosing necessarily, and maybe some of them were, but I feel like a lot of people don't choose to be single because they just want to live their whole lives by themselves.
Speaker A:I think the reality is more close to a lot of people choose to be single when there aren't any good options for them to partner up with.
Speaker A:And I'm just glad that more of us are speaking out and, you know, having the audacity of saying out loud what others are thinking, but hiding.
Speaker A:So, yeah, I do think that most people just cannot get the partner that they want.
Speaker A:They're not actually choosing to be single.
Speaker A:And that's me, for example.
Speaker A:Like, I am involuntarily single.
Speaker A:I'm more of a single by what the is going on.
Speaker A:Like, where are the men that I want to date who want to date me?
Speaker A:At this point, I just.
Speaker A:I'm ready to, like, create a new planet I can date on.
Speaker A:Actually, I just saw an article about some dude that created, and I don't know if it was true or not.
Speaker A:This might just be satire, but he created a dating app where the only option for men was him.
Speaker A:And I'm like, I'm about to do that, so.
Speaker A:And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, there is a guy at the walking club that creates websites.
Speaker A:I wonder if I can get him to create me an app.
Speaker A:I'm just kidding.
Speaker A:But, yeah, I also do believe that most people don't have control of the relationship status.
Speaker A:You know, it's like, it sucks, but that's the reality of it.
Speaker A:Like, we can control ourselves.
Speaker A:We can control, obviously, up to an extent, because everything has extenuating circumstances surrounding it.
Speaker A:But for the most part, we can control our own actions or our own behaviors, sometimes even our own thoughts.
Speaker A:We can control our careers, again, to an extent, our habits, but we cannot control another person.
Speaker A:We cannot control whether or not we run into and meet the right person for us.
Speaker A:I really hate this one rhetoric, and I know I'll definitely do a full episode on this.
Speaker A:But the one rhetoric of women are single by choice and men aren't, that's so isolating.
Speaker A:When I, as a woman who is single by basically an inability to find a good, suitable partner for me, you know, it's kind of like that whole, oh, you can get a guy as a woman anywhere, yet here I am, single for a long time, because, no, I cannot find the kind of man that I'm interested in that wants me back.
Speaker A:You know, and here's.
Speaker A:And I know I'm not the only one.
Speaker A:I know.
Speaker A:I know there's other single women who, again, are single because they're not in relationships because they just cannot find somebody who they're interested in.
Speaker A:And then that whole rhetoric of, oh, women can easily get married if they want.
Speaker A:And it's like, when I hear that, it just sucks.
Speaker A:It's like, I've never been proposed to, even by the men that I dated.
Speaker A:I've never been proposed to.
Speaker A:And I'm very happy that I never married anybody.
Speaker A:I'm very happy.
Speaker A:Actually, none of those men proposed because I wouldn't have.
Speaker A:That would.
Speaker A:Those wouldn't have been, well, they were not good relationships, and that would not have turned into a good marriage.
Speaker A:But it sucks.
Speaker A:It sucks hearing that, oh, women can get married any point, while I am one great example of, no, I can't.
Speaker A:So it's like that whole rhetoric of men versus women that's going around, it's like, yeah, it's not just the men who are having issues finding somebody to date.
Speaker A:It also does feel embarrassing sometimes to state that I'm single because no one wants to date me.
Speaker A:And I've definitely felt like that before.
Speaker A:I think there's not as many of us who actually talk about being single.
Speaker A:Not out of choice.
Speaker A:Like, it feels embarrassing, but it's also not embarrassing to feel unwanted.
Speaker A:It's just another human emotion.
Speaker A:But sometimes I do feel unwanted because people that I'm interested in aren't interested back in me.
Speaker A:And I know I'm dodging bullets.
Speaker A:I know there's a reason why God and the universe don't want me to date those people.
Speaker A:I know in the end, at the end of the day, there's a more important reason for it.
Speaker A:In a sense, or at least I'd like to believe that there is.
Speaker A:But it still sucks.
Speaker A:It still sucks because there is so much luck involved in finding the right kind of people to date.
Speaker A:Like, with anything else in life, it's hard to want something but not actually achieve it.
Speaker A:And that's how I feel about dating and marriage because I'm not dating right now and obviously I'm not married and I've never been married.
Speaker A:And it's, again, it's very hard to be single.
Speaker A:Not by choice, but really by my circumstance, you know, by luck, the lack of sometimes maybe me trying.
Speaker A:But also there's been so many times in my life where I have tried to go out and date and I've tried to sit at restaurants by myself and I've tried to really like scan the room for single men.
Speaker A:And none of those times was I ever approached by somebody I'm interested in.
Speaker A:Because, yeah, men really don't approach me very often.
Speaker A:And I've definitely had people tell me, oh, you're so pretty, like, why are you single?
Speaker A:Which would just make me feel so ugly so often because I do believe I am conventionally attractive.
Speaker A:And there's so many people that say that good looking people don't have problems finding people to date.
Speaker A:And then there's me again, decently looking.
Speaker A:So it's infuriating because I do have an issue finding people to date.
Speaker A:It's just very invalidating when you're like, oh, you're so pretty, you have options.
Speaker A:Because it's like, show me the options.
Speaker A:Because I'm not seeing any options that I am interested in and you're not listening to my lived experience.
Speaker A:And there's so much to be said about research and, you know, information.
Speaker A:But at the end of the day, what life is about for each and one of us is lived experience.
Speaker A:And I believe that lived experience gives you more lessons and more knowledge than research.
Speaker A:And that's why I do have this podcast.
Speaker A:I'm not, I mean, I majored in psychology, so there is a little bit of interest in psych.
Speaker A:Well, a lot of interest in psych because I'm, I'm always interested in anything psychology related and sociology related.
Speaker A:But at the end of the day, I know that I have more to bring to the sphere of the single people podcasts because I have so much lived experience being single.
Speaker A:And I've seen so many other single people as well and their lived experience.
Speaker A:And also I know I haven't had a guest yet, so I will be working on that within the next few months.
Speaker A: I promise you in: Speaker A:So I, I want to have at least one guest per month at some point.
Speaker A:Um, I'm just not ready yet because I'm starting out so many other things.
Speaker A:Okay, so our note to sell this week is what is something that you find infuriating by what people consider about you and your single status.
Speaker A:So think about it.
Speaker A:Write it down someplace.
Speaker A:It doesn't matter if it's on a little receipt in a journal.
Speaker A:Say it out loud to yourself.
Speaker A:You know me, I'm gonna go out and dance right now and then so I'll give you about a half an, not a half an hour, but a half a minute to think about your answer and then we'll come back and I'll tell you.
Speaker A:I guess I already kind of told you about all the stuff that infuriates me.
Speaker A:So I don't really have to tell you anything else.
Speaker A:Okay, I'm back.
Speaker A:I hope you got to maybe dance with me as well.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And if you didn't, I hope you dance sometime today.
Speaker A:And for the glow up this week, just think about the standards that you do have and think about the standards out of those standards that you have.
Speaker A:What is something that other people have mentioned your standards are too high in?
Speaker A:You know, so for me, people are always like, well, you know, you can get somebody with all the standards you have.
Speaker A:Well, it's like these are my non negotiables.
Speaker A:Like these are things that I need in a partner.
Speaker A:So yes, if I don't find somebody who doesn't meet deeds, then I just will be single forever.
Speaker A:Out of all the standards that you do have, think about the one that other people say might be too high, that you might be reaching too high in and really dissected.
Speaker A:And I'm not saying to basically go with what other people are saying and go against your own intuition or your own logic, your own feelings and change that about yourself.
Speaker A:What I'm actually going to say is go the opposite way and think about why you should double down on that standard.
Speaker A:Like why is that standard so important to you?
Speaker A:So maybe write out reasons for why that particular thing is super important to me.
Speaker A:But anyhow, I just wanted you guys to know that I am going to continue on with this episode next week.
Speaker A:So it's going to be a little bit of a different kind of episode because we were just breaking this one episode into two.
Speaker A:If any part of this episode resonated with you, please share this episode with somebody else that you know who's single who can also benefit from it.
Speaker A:I really appreciate you listening.
Speaker A:If you haven't yet, please follow or subscribe too.
Speaker A:Just so you don't miss any other episodes, I'll talk to you next week.
