Single and Never Anyone’s Top Priority? Here’s How to Put Yourself First

Speaker A: 00:00:06

Are you tired of being a sidekick in everybody else's life? Welcome back to All About Being Single. I'm your host, Wioleta, and I'm here to talk about my lived experience being single and what it all entails.

And I hope that this episode resonates with you.

Okay, so unless you've been single, perpetually single, especially for a while in your adulthood, and even more so if you don't have kids, you really don't know what it's like to not be somebody's priority, to not be somebody's first choice.

And the older you get, the more you feel this and becomes a reality and like an everyday pain, sometimes it is a world that we live in that's made for couples, first of all. Second of all, most people are very codependent with their partners and so they don't prioritize their friendships.

They just think that the romantic relationship in their life is really what they're supposed to put on a pedestal.

So basically, as you are perpetually single and as you are getting older, the worse it feels in a way, because you're constantly feeling that pain because you're constantly waking up in the mornings without nobody there to text good morning to nobody to hug. So let's break that down.

You might feel invisible quite often, and I've definitely felt that way throughout some periods in my life because you're just so overlooked. You're always kind of in the background of other people's priorities.

You're not a go to person for most people because they have, especially if you don't have single friends. But even with those single friends, you know, a lot of times they might be dating other people, so they're going to try to put that person first.

Family relationships or friendships can feel less secure because again, you're not being prioritized. And you can feel it when you're not being prioritized. Like when something good happens, you don't have a go to person to text.

Or you might, but the problem is that that person, that's your go to person to text. You are most likely not there go to person to text. When something positive happens, you might have a single friend who maybe might do this with you.

Which is why I always say it's definitely a good idea as a single person to form a community of other single people. Because we are the only ones who really know what it's like to be single and not be somebody else's priority.

Where I feel like they might, because they understand it better.

You might feel like you're at least bumped up on some people's priority list, even if you're not like the top priority for them, you know, with some of your friends, especially the coupled up ones, the ones that you don't see very often, or if they're just busy, I mean, we're all very busy.

I know I don't hang out with my friends, as with some of my friends, as much as sometimes I would like to, because I do have so many things going on in my life.

But so with some friends, you might not even be the person that hears about what's going on with their life for like months until you actually see them. So maybe you're not even on the radar of people who they even text or call about something positive happening.

So again, you're being put even further down on that priority list. I never know if it's farther or further. So whatever word I use is the word I used. Because you're not somebody else's priority.

Even when you do hang out with your friends quite often because they do have somebody else who's their top priority. And I've had this happen way too often. And I try to stay away from people like this nowadays.

But they might be texting their significant other updates on what's going on in life even though they're gonna go home to them in like two or three hours after they're done hanging out with you, you know, because they're not paying as much attention to you and the moment, because they're going back to their quote unquote real life with their partner who they prioritize.

And I'm not saying that all friends do this, but I definitely have gone through so many periods of my life where that was definitely the case when I'd be single and just about all of my coupled up friends would do this and just not respect my time, especially when I wouldn't even see them. Like, I get it, obviously, you know, you might have to text your significant other when you'll be home.

You know, little stuff like that, that's fine, that's obviously understandable.

But when they're literally on the phone with them constantly, it's like, okay, well, not only do I know you're not prioritizing me, now I know you're extra not prioritizing me because you can't even respect the time, the very little time that we have together and a no line to stand on. Quite often I've only been prioritized by my friends when they're fighting with their significant other, which is insane.

You know, so when they actually need help, that's when they're contacting me. And that's when I'm top priority. But when it comes to, like, doing something super fun and especially doing things that I want to do.

Cause I'm very good with, like, doing things that other people want to do. But when it came to doing things that I want to do, that's super fun.

They wouldn't want to hang out because again, they have their significant other to hang out with.

But when they're arguing with their significant other or their significant other is away someplace, you know, maybe they're on a work trip or on a trip with their boys, that's when they prior, quote, unquote, prioritize me. Because they're still not really prioritizing me.

And I'm just trying to kind of make light of the fact that that's when they put their single friends above other people because they know that their single friends are willing to listen. And some of that has been not really putting boundaries on my end when that would happen.

But also some of it was just when you're just not prioritized as much and you don't have as much of a community because again, you don't have a significant other and you maybe don't have as many other single friends as you should. And that's definitely been the case for me being single in my 30s. I. You know, like, you're just not as prioritized.

So I think that sometimes you do still kind of give in to those people and just, you know, wanna. Wanna be of help or wanna at least talk to other people.

Because you're already not talking to so many people, you know, So a lot of times you're like the second or the third or the last person they'll even think about calling. Usually it's when, like, their significant other is busy or when their kids are busy. And I'm not saying that you should not prioritize your partners.

I'm just saying on the other side of that is a human who is single who's looking for connections. And they're not getting. They're kind of getting the shitty end of the stick by a lot of people in their lives.

And I'm not saying that a lot of these people are doing this maliciously, but it's just a reality of being single, especially perpetually single, when other people have a significant other, when they have families. You know, I think I'm trying to bring to light what a lot of us don't talk about.

Because again, we are not prioritized as much in society even, but definitely also not even by the friendships that we have in our lives.

And if you do have great friends that do basically put your friendship almost, if not on the same level as a romantic relationship, I think you're one of the lucky ones. And I hope to get there at some point.

Like, I'm truly hoping to grow my community so that I have so many friends that understand that friendships are just as important as a romantic relationship. Neither one of them should really be put above the other. You need both. You need both in your life. And you need to put people.

You need to prioritize people, not just your significant other. Because you never know.

When you wake up, there's nobody that's getting up and they're like, oh, my God, I better text my friend and say, good morning. No, they're texting their significant other.

If they don't live with them or they're kissing their significant other, they're not even thinking about you.

And on the other side of that is obviously us, the single person who's there also not having somebody to text first or prioritizing somebody who isn't prioritizing them back. You're just not someone as a single person, you're just not someone who they think about first thing in the morning. That's just the reality of it.

And there's that inequality and availability. So, you know, they might pencil you in for plans when their significant other is working. You know, that's definitely happened to me a lot.

Or when their significant other is out of town or when their significant other makes plans. And I do think that might be more common for women because I've known so many men that's don't do that.

Where, you know, they don't revolve their whole life around what their significant other is doing. And I honestly now understand why. And I do think that to an extent, that's the healthier way to do it. Not always.

I mean, again, I think that there should be a balance between your friendships and your romantic relationship. It shouldn't just be like, okay, I'm in a relationship. I never talk to my friends.

But so basically, and I know this has happened to me so many times where my friends only make plans with me when they're like, number one person is busy to them. So I'm almost like a filler for their time. And of course, I've had friends who don't do that.

I have amazing friends who also carve the time out for me. So I'm not saying that's everybody in my life, but I've definitely gone through years and most of my life it has.

Has been most of my at least 30s, I should say, has been my friends. Most of my late 20s, 30s has been them only making plans with me, almost like as a filler.

And honestly, I, I've also been guilty of that in my 20s and it's sad. It's sad that I used to do that in my 20s and I would never do that again. And obviously, if people have kids, of course they have to put them first.

I'm really. I know I'm kind of talking about how they are acting, but really what I'm trying to convey is how it feels on the other side of things. Things.

It just doesn't feel good that so many other people have their number one and you're just again, a filler. You're just not anybody's priority.

You're just an addition to their life that sometimes, you know, they, again, sometimes they don't even think about for weeks or end, you know, for weeks or months until maybe you show up on their feed and Instagram. Because again, you, it's, it's that inequality. You probably think of them more than they think of you as a result of them being in a relationship.

Even for group settings, especially as you keep getting older and people marry off and couple up, a lot of times couples will make plans with other couples, leaving us singles behind. Again, not saying right or wrong, just saying that that's the case.

They're gonna put other friends who are coupled up if, if they're coupled up, most likely above you. Again, putting you even lower on that priority list. And then you'll have friends who tell you, you know, but you are a priority to me.

And you can call me anytime and we can discuss anything and I can help you out with anything. And then you call them or you text them. And because again, you're not a priority in their life, they don't respond to you for like three days.

It's like, I know your intentions are there, but again, the reality of it is you're going to put your significant other, you're going to put yourself, your significant other kids, if you have them, above me. And it hurts even more when, again, then you're out with them.

So they don't text you back for days, but then you're out with them, which hurts even more. And then they're responding to your, to their significant other constantly.

It's like, okay, again, making me feel Even less prioritized and less important in somebody else's life than I already knew I was. And unfortunately, again, more on that inequality.

It's like their friendship might mean a lot more to me than it means to them because for me, they might be the only person I make plans with outside of work for like maybe a week, two weeks, a month. I mean, there's been different times in my life when, you know, I'm making more plans or less plans or fewer plans.

But yeah, they might be the only person I hang out with that whole week outside of work.

They might be the only person I really get to see in person outside work besides my co workers for that whole week, for that whole two weeks, or for that whole month, even sometimes.

And again, they get to go home to somebody else or they get to hang out with somebody else every couple of days because they do have a significant other or kids. And then there's the whole thing about gaps and support. You know, people always tell you to, like, go out and ask for help.

But a lot of times people actually, especially in adulthood, especially once you get into your 30s and on, it's like people aren't actually there to help you. Especially in this very rigid, like, boundary world where a lot of people will say no because I think we've lost some sense of community, in a sense.

And yes, I believe everybody should be able to say no.

But I also do believe that there's such a thing as being in positive, healthy relationships with other people when you help them out and they help you out as needed. And I think some of that gets lost in today's world, unfortunately. But yeah, they have, you know, their significant.

And sometimes it could just be they don't have enough bandwidth. Right. Like they have their significant other, their kids to support, so they might not have enough Ben. Enough bandwidth to help support you.

And again, you as a single person might have more of that bandwidth, but then that becomes an inequality there.

And so sometimes you as a single person might actually ask them for more support and more help, which then makes you feel like you're making it so unequal in the support department because you're asking for more things where again, they have more of a support system and network of people to help them out because of that family situation going on with a significant other. And sometimes they're just not there to support you the way that you need to feel supported. Right? Like again, a significant other.

If you have a good significant other, obviously a healthy relationship, they're going to hopefully emotionally be able to Support you better. They're physically there. You know, a lot of that kind of stuff.

But so sometimes for us perpetually single people, a friend might, you know, send a text about, oh, I'm thinking of you, or they might check in with you. And that's very nice.

I'm not saying that's not a positive thing for them to do, but again, it's that level of support where, well, I need somebody to come hang out with me and cry with me or somebody to help me distract from the issue and maybe go do something fun where you're, oh, hey, I hope you're doing okay. Text doesn't really do much for me in terms of support.

I really don't want this episode to come off as I'm just complaining about other people who have a significant other and how unequal our relationships are. But I do want to talk about all the things that make the single person not feel as prioritized.

And some of it is just stuff that maybe there's not much to do about. But these feelings that we have, these emotions that we have are very valid and it's okay. It's.

It's time for us to talk about them more out in the open.

Because there isn't inequality in friendships when you are single versus especially as you get older in twenties, mid twenties and up, and you're single and people around you are coupled up. So again, it's not. My purpose here isn't to put us against each other.

I mean, there are some friends that maybe you do need to rethink relationships with if their support really isn't what you need more often than not. So there's also that issue. But really I'm just trying to bring awareness to the fact that, that as a single person, you are not anybody's priority.

That's really what this full episode is about. And I think it's such an important topic to talk about. And also, I know we're very quick nowadays to. To say, well, call a therapist.

And it's like, yes, of course. I think therapists are needed especially for figuring out your childhood trauma. If you need ongoing support, obviously they can be helpful.

However, that is a transactional relationship.

And sometimes it's nice to not have to pay somebody to be your support system, you know, unless you're just obviously fucking constantly bothering people. And I've been there in my life where I just.

Would I really think of some of my friends after some of my breakups where I'm like, oh, my God, I was so annoying. I cannot believe they listened to me because I would literally spew the same bullshit for like weeks or months on end.

So thank you for everybody who did listen to me. You did help me improve a. Honestly, your support did help me improve a lot.

But yeah, again it's just the whole, there's just gaps in support between single people and non single people and it might just be a byproduct of a coupled up world. It might be a byproduct of people being busy because we are all busy.

But even if it's just a byproduct of these things, it's still, it's still hard on the person who's single. It just is. I think there's also the decision fatigue. Like everything falls on the single person.

So again, if they don't have enough support from other people in their lives when they're going through something, they have to end up doing a lot more things by themselves and carry a lot more hurt of what's going on in their internal world by themselves than some other people who again have that support from a significant other. You know, we are a very individualistic society, which I mean, I do love being single quite often too. So sometimes I love the fact that I am single.

But, but as far as again, not being somebody's priority, it fucking sucks.

And like that whole instead of, you know, having deep prioritized friendships, which on the surface everybody claims that you should have and how healthy that is, and if you listen to any psychologist, any therapist, they tell you about how healthy it is and it really is. I mean, you cannot get your needs met by just one person, just a significant other.

I think you're more likely to leave shitty relationships if you have a support system of friendships as well. And I think it's nice to do things outside of just a relationship. But in reality most people don't prioritize deep friendships.

They prioritize maybe some shallow friendships. And I'm not saying that's, you know, you should have all kinds of friends, right?

You should have friends who are just, hey, this is a person that's great to just go out with. I don't necessarily need to tell them all about my inner world, that's perfectly fine.

But it's seeming like most people, at least in the circles that are that I run and you know, a lot of the people that I know, they just don't prioritize friendships in adulthood unless they're very healthy themselves internally. So what ends up happening for us singles is we end up accepting less than treatment sometimes from other people.

And so we know that we're not priority for them and we kind of just accepted. And there's a healthy level of acceptance, but then there's also that level of. While out of all my friends, they're all prioritizing somebody else.

So it's almost like defeating. And it's almost like I'm kind of defeated.

So then I kind of just have to accept it, even though I don't want to accept it, but I'm just going to go along with it because what else am I going to do? But then if you are accepting the partial or inconsistent connections that ends up the longer you do it, that ends up feeling.

Making you feel worse and more alone instead of more connected. So basically the opposite of how friendships should make you feel.

And so you might put people higher in the pecking order than again, they even would put you ever under.

No matter how much some of those people come to you and complain to you about their relationships, they keep putting themselves back into that bad position. So again, you're there for them and over give for them when they're upset because of something their partner did.

But again, they're not really there for you as much because you don't have those, you don't have those relationship issues. And then they'll keep putting their toxic person above you because quote unquote, they're their person.

I know this is a hard topic, but I know that I'm sure you have gone through at least some of this. So please feel free to reach out and send me a voice note. And you can do that by going on all about being single dot com.

Let me know how you handle things like this. Let me know how you handle not being prioritized. I'm sure we can learn from each other better ways of how to deal with not being anybody's priority.

Or we can just complain about it. We can just bitch and vent and complain about it. Sometimes it's okay to just do that. We don't have to fix everything right away.

Okay, this is a hill I'll die on. A lot of women need to put more effort into their friendships.

There's too many women who basically almost think that their job in a romantic relationship is to complain about their partner to their friends. And so so many of them are treating their toxic or abusive partner like gold while not putting forth enough effort into their friendships.

So they're being mistreated by their significant other. But then go and treat their friends like unpaid therapists and then take them for granted. While that should Be flip flopped.

So again, I'm not talking about the women in healthy relationships because I think that if you're in a healthy romantic relationship, if you're in a healthy romantic relationship, chances are you probably also have healthy friendships. This is more about those in unhealthy romantic relationships. And that spills into their friendships because they're not balanced either.

But so there's, you know, because their significant other is taking away most, if not all of their energy and then they're somehow weaving their friends into it and they're taking their friend's energy away instead of leaving the relationship, focusing on themselves, improving and then overall improving their lives and being better friends and then being better partners and getting better partners for themselves. And so what I will never do is I will never again over give in a friendship when I'm not as important to them as they are to me.

I used to do this a lot where if somebody's got like kids or, you know, or significant other. I used to schedule our hangouts. I used to be more okay with scheduling our hangouts around their schedule.

And now my schedule is so full because my life is so full now, full of joy and full of so many other things that now I don't. It almost made it seem like their time was more important than mine because they thought, well, you're single, you can just go out whenever you want.

You don't have, you know, significant other or kids. And it's like, no, we all have the same amount of time in the day. My time is just as important as your time is.

And so I will not be making plans based on only what your schedule allows. I have so many hobbies and outings and this podcast now and a full time job and I have to take care of my own household.

So I honestly have very, very little time. So now my time is just as limited and just as valuable as yours, no matter if you have a significant other or children.

And we all have to work around each other's schedules, not just me working around your schedule. We just spend our time differently. Okay?

So if you're not anyone's priority right now, how can you use that opportunity and freedom to make that work for you? So just think about this. If you are able to jot down an answer to it.

I know some of you might be listening to this while you're driving, maybe you're walking. So, you know, if you're driving, you probably can't write it down, but if you're walking, maybe write it in like a note app on your phone.

But think about how you can use that freedom. How can this work for you? And we'll do a little dance here soon.

I think Trouble's kind of staying away from the podcast room when I film because I try to dance with him the first couple of episodes and so now he's not here even though he's like the cleanest kid I've ever known. But so I don't know if he's going to be coming back on ever really to dance with me unless I like grab him. So maybe one of these days I will.

But anyhow, think on that. How can you make the best of being single and not being somebody's top priority or top choice? Even though it hurts I know it hurts.

It's not ideal but it is the reality. So how can you make the best and make that work for you?

Speaker B: 00:25:08

Stop dragging your heart Stop letting the chances leave you by Stop singing goodbye Got myself a job up well in Chicago it's not too much to go on but I'll make it fine Anything's better than just hanging around yeah Stop dragging your heart Stop letting the chances leave you.

Speaker A: 00:26:04

So here's how I make not being somebody else's priority work for me.

I think it's the universe's way of reminding me to stop outsourcing my worth and really prioritizing myself first and foremost, put my needs first and know that my time matters just as anybody else's time does. And in a sense I'm free from the constant obligation of being somebody else's like main emotional support system.

A few years ago I've started spending more time getting to know myself really. I'm not too big into journaling, although I'm trying to do a better job with that the last few months because my therapist has me doing that.

But prior to this, but overall just spending more time with myself and actually reflecting on my life instead of just keeping busy. So I started really reading a lot of self help books.

I started listening to them when I be out on walks because I think that I take in that information better and then started actually using some of those ideas in my life which is how the trajectory of my life has started going up a few years ago because I really started realizing that my level of awareness about myself wasn't where it needed to be.

And that has helped me out so much throughout the last few years is just really getting to know myself and really enjoying, actually enjoying the time that I spent with myself. And then affirmations too. Sometimes almost like speaking into existence the things that I want for me.

And I know this sounds extra crazy, but, you know, you can do little things. Like, if you are not anybody else's priority, you can literally get up in the morning and text yourself, hey, good morning, beautiful.

I'm not saying that that will help, but I'm just saying that there's ways of trying to make yourself a priority because you have to be your own top priority always. Even in a relationship, it should always be you. You are always your top priority.

And I think sometimes that's where people go wrong, and especially romantic relationships is that they're too codependent and don't actually put themselves first, which is how they end up in horrible relationships for years on end sometimes. Or instead of texting yourself that, just say good morning to yourself. Say that in front of the mirror.

Say good morning to your cat, Say good morning to your bowl of cereal. Whatever it is that works for you, make it work for you. For me, it's definitely also made me more resilient, too.

I think that not being anybody's priority can really make you more resilient and teach you that you. That your worth isn't dependent on other people's priorities.

And it's very hard to do when you're first realizing that, like, hey, for the last few months or the last few years, I'm like, nobody's priority. So especially again, if you're perpetually single, once you have that realization, it's hard to do it right then. And there's.

But the longer you're nobody else's priority, you start realizing, well, that's just the way that my life is right now. And I have to accept that. And I think it's going to make me better because now I really have to rely on myself.

And, you know, you can also find things that you've outgrown. I know I've outgrown people who just complain to me about their relationships. It's. It's not worth my time.

So then I prioritize my time more by learning that, hey, I'm just not. I'm not interested in being anybody's unpaid therapist. And you can find things that you like.

Because I was in anybody's priority a few years ago after a bad breakup, I realized that, again, I'm my top priority. And so I found more solo hobbies.

Like this podcast for me is one of these super cool hobbies that I picked up because, hey, I'm here by myself, and I want to be able to help out those who really want to help Themselves, you can take yourself out, find more solo hobbies. Again, just to prioritize yourself. Not just the ho where you do things with other people, find things to do just by yourself.

And I think just the act of doing things by yourself and keeping yourself occupied and learning more about yourself through all of that, because it's always the action that really leads the mindset. Through all of that you'll realize how important you are and how prioritizing yourself leads to such a better life for you.

And if like your independence muscle is very tiny, make that bodybuilding size, okay? Get strong in living your day to day life by not relying on other people.

Really prioritizing yourself and your needs and doing things for you by you and by yourself. That's a skill most people won't ever develop. And that's crazy to me. They'll never be able to do things for themselves by themselves.

There's going to be people who always rely on somebody else. You know, do solo dinners, do solo travel.

It might seem so out of reach at first, and it might seem scary at first, but the more you do it and you can't just do it once and like call it a day.

You have to try out new things a few times before you know if they're right for you, before you know if your brain is like, okay, this is safe for me to do and this is nice and exciting, but yeah, being no one's priority is honestly fucking painful. However, make that shit work for you to think about what you can do to make it work for you, how you can maybe reframe that.

And if somebody truly makes you feel like you're not even like the top five of their people and that's making you feel worse about yourself, then either stop talking to them or put them in a similar category as the way as the category that they've put you in as well. Don't over prioritize people who don't prioritize you at all. And always remember, you are your number one. You're always gonna have you.

And yes, feel the feelings when it hurts that you're nobody's priority. But also at some point, the more things you do by yourself and the more you prioritize you because you are number one, you are your number one.

You are your priority. The easier life gets. It's powerful.

If this episode resonates with you, please take a moment to share it with a friend right now if you feel like they'll be able to take something out of it too. Now on to my favorite part. The Glow up talked about affirmations earlier and I believe in either stating them out loud or writing them down.

So I think this week would be great if you could try out is maybe come up with an affirmation regarding this episode's topic or just any kind of affirmation that you think will work for you in this time of your life. Something that you truly need to start believing in and just take the action of writing it out daily or every couple of days. Put it like what I do.

I have an affirmation that I'll share that's not related to this particular topic, but I'll share what I do with that affirmation. So it's. It's something I'm working on the most right now. So what I do is I put a reminder in my reminder app and so it comes in every morning.

And then if I have the time, I write it down. If I don't, I say it out loud to myself. But the affirmation that I am doing right now is.

The affirmation that I'm doing right now is I eat to feel good, not stuffed. So again, not on the topic, but just kind of giving you an example of what, what I've been doing.

But so for this, if you want to go with one that's on this topic, you could go with something like, I don't need to be anyone's number one to live a number one life. Or you could go with I am my own first choice. Or you could go with, if I'm not anyone's priority, then I make myself my priority. Whatever.

Whatever works for you.

And again, it doesn't have to be an affirmation on this topic, but just anything that you're trying to improve in your life currently, I think it's nice to have that daily for me morning reminder and so I don't forget to do it again. I do have it as a reminder on my phone because if I didn't have the reminder, I would forget all the time.

But for some of you, maybe you don't even have to have a reminder. You know, we're all a little bit different. What works for me might not work for you, and that's okay.

Do what works for you because you are your number one priority and you know what's best for you. I would love to hear your affirmations.

So please email me at all about being singlemail.com or send me a voice memo@allaboutbeingsingle.com okay, that's the episode I know it's not a positive topic, but I think it's a topic that's worth covering, and I think it's a topic for a feeling that we've all had at one point or another. Maybe it's a feeling that you're going through now, or maybe it's a feeling that you will have at some point or have been through at some point.

If this episode has resonated with you, I would also appreciate if you could rate and review either this episode or just the show overall. If you've been listening, I can't believe it's already October, and I can't believe this is, I think, the sixth episode.

So we're going strong and I've been enjoying doing this.

I have a lot of lived experience with being single, and I hope that that my lived experience either resonates with you or that it helps you out in any kind of way.

Whether it's just validation that it's okay to have these feelings, or maybe it helps you to act on improving your life in some kind of way, or even if it's just something that helps you pass the time when you're walking or when you're running, when you're exercising. Whatever the case might be, thanks for being here with me and I'll talk to you next Tuesday.

Speaker B: 00:35:26

Make a life of myself Make a life of myself Make a life Make a life.