Am I Too Picky or Do I Just Know My Worth? | Episode 34

Speaker A: 00:00:02

Are you actually too picky or do you just know what you need and deserve? Welcome back to All About Being Single. I'm your host, Wioleta. Welcome.

If you're new here, A phrase that almost, if not all of us single people have heard, I'm sure at some point is the maybe you're just too picky. And it usually comes from someone who's not been single or has never been single a day in their adult life.

Like, they believe that the reason or like the problem with why you're single is that it's because of something that you're doing. And that mainly that your standards, wants and needs and expectations are too high.

And a lot of times, you know, they say this because you're confused as to why you're not finding a person when you know you deserve whatever it is that you're asking for.

And it's usually said after, you know, you're just venting about not finding the kinds of people, whether it be men or women, that you want to date who you're interested in, who are interested back in you. So maybe you tell a friend about a date who was rude to the server or a date who showed up and smelled.

I've had that happen, you know, maybe seems like they haven't showered in a while. Someone who barely texts or initiates dates, someone who is constantly late.

You know, maybe someone who still lives in their childhood home with their parents. Or maybe even just someone that's not looking for what you're looking for, just somebody who's not compatible with you.

Most people, especially those who've never been single, really, they believe that they can change whoever that they're with, so they just keep on dating the person even if they're incompatible. And that's been me in the past.

Just about every single one of my exes I knew wasn't compatible with me and I kept dating them because I was hoping they were going to change. Now I see it.

I didn't see it at the time, but a lot of times the convo basically shifts from this person wasn't right for me to maybe the problem is you and you need to be more open minded when you're not really looking to be analyzed, you're not looking to be judged for your needs and your wants and your desires. You were just sharing your experience with somebody you thought were safe, with somebody you thought was safe, and you're just getting invalidated.

Also, if you haven't already, please take a moment just to rate and review this show. I really appreciate that I'd like to start getting more guests guests on.

For me to get some good guests for us, I do need to show that there's value in the podcast that I have. But anyhow, most people who say stuff like this, they usually found someone early on, maybe compatible, probably not.

A lot of them, again, are just trying hard to make things that are unworkable work. But either way, they didn't have to do all this work. You know, dating is work. Maybe they didn't have to stay single till again. I'm 38 years old.

I'm going to be 39 soon. Like, I've been single for long periods of time. I've never been married. Like, I've spent a lot of time actually dating and being single.

And a lot of people who say these things to me have never done that.

They just basically met somebody, started dating them, and never thought about dating anybody else ever again because somehow the both of them were okay with the arrangement they had. And I can bet that's probably not true for most of us singles, especially most of us singles in our 30s or even beyond. But even in your 20s.

I remember being in my 20s and everybody else was just getting into relationships and just sticking to that person no matter what, while I was getting my heart broken left and right. Or sometimes I was breaking the hearts too. Keep in mind too, dating used to be simpler, you know, it was less app driven.

There was definitely a smaller pool of people to pick from, and so people just kind of decided to go with whoever they could get.

And also dating was more fun in our 20s too, I think, because I think there's a lot more of like, hope for finding, you know, the one quote, unquote, because you haven't really been let down so much. And don't get me wrong, I still have hope that I'm gonna find my person.

But there's been plenty of times as the years went on where I would just be more sad and less hopeful, honestly, because of just constant experiences of getting rejected or just not liking the options I was given.

And a lot of the people who say these things to us, though, they found their partners through friends, in college, at work, maybe again before the apps.

So when they hear about modern dating or when they hear that you're still having issues while they found somebody 20 years ago, it sounds like you're not open minded and that you're rejecting a lot of people when that might not even be the case. There's been little.

There's been actual years where I never even got asked out on a date, they might believe that relationships happen to reasonable people and you're somehow not reasonable with your wants and your needs because you're not finding a stable relationship. That's another thing. And keep in mind too, the views on dating were different back in the day.

And by back in the day, I mean just literally not even that long ago, pre pandemic.

Now people want true compatibility, which is a positive thing, obviously, but especially if they're dating in their 30s and onwards, it's because, you know, they had relationships not work out due to incompatibility. And so they know what signs to look for because they've been around the block.

Now, my never again is I will never again date a guy who goes out with his buddies to bars every week because I know where that leads to in a relationship. And a hill I'll die on is that I'd rather be too picky than not picky enough. Not picky enough has more risks.

It has more chances of leading to being killed by a partner, being unhappy and discontent in a partnership, and therefore in your life, not wanting to sleep with your partner because you're dating someone who's good on paper, but you're not actually sexually attracted, attracted to, etc. What I'm trying to say is, you know, not wanting to date someone who makes good money but isn't generous, that's not being picky.

That's knowing that this person doesn't actually like you. Someone who drinks alcohol daily and has no ambition, that's not you being picky by not wanting to date them.

And I used to drink alcohol on the daily. So, like, there's definitely been times when that was me.

And sometimes I cannot believe people even dated me to begin with because that's disgusting behavior. And I'm not trying to shame anybody.

What I'm trying to say is I would never date somebody who drinks daily and I don't want to drink daily myself because it's just not good for your body, it's not good for your mental health, it's not good for your nervous system, all the things. And it's definitely not conducive to good relationships and good connections.

But, yeah, someone who doesn't brush his teeth every night, that's not being picky if you don't want to date them. I literally dated somebody for like nine months who didn't brush his teeth daily. It was disgusting. I. And again, I dated him. So that's also on me.

And I get that that might have been caused by, like, adhd or depression or whatever. But I am not your mother and we all have to own up to our own actions and take care of ourselves.

Like somebody who doesn't take care of them of like these basic life things like brushing your teeth is a daily activity and they cannot even do that. There's more issues that you're going to uncover with time.

And my no like to stand on is if somebody tells you while you're still single and you've been on the market for a long time, it must be because you're too picky. No. You just might not be willing to settle for a relationship just to have a relationship.

That's all that might mean and that you know what you deserve. Let's get to the Note to Self. And if you've never listened to my podcast before, this is where I ask you a question. So just ponder on it.

Write it down someplace, you know, say an answer to yourself. And then I do a little dancy dancy. Because I dance every day and I believe hardcore that dancing helps bring so much joy to my life.

So I dance every day. So that will be a little break and then we'll come back and just finish off the episode. So here's our question for today.

Are my standards aligned with the kind of life and relationship I want and provide and have myself?

So, for example, you know, maybe mutual respect, lifestyle compatibility, shared values, emotional availability, matching looks, all of those things are not unreasonable. Those are all things that you want and deserve if you provide the same in return. Good, healthy relationships have these.

Speaker B: 00:08:20

It's all about you no matter what the others say but now I'm done talking the lights on me I tell you I guarantee this nice B Take a turn for the better now the rain is pouring and all I see is lightning around my feet now nothing can bring me down I just wanna dance till my heart goes all out I just wanna dance.

Speaker A: 00:08:51

Okay, I'm back. I hope you got to dance with me. Or at least answer the note to Self. I do want to talk a little bit more about the Note to Self.

Choosing carefully and being picky. Being selective about who you try to build your life with is not a flaw. You deserve to be selective.

Whatever you want to use, you're selecting a life partner. After all, one of the most important, if not the most important, decision of your life.

If you're not being picky about this aspect of your life, are you okay? I live all the values I ask of in a partner. I won't get dragged down by another man who isn't compatible with me.

I remember feeling like shit in my bad toxic and abusive relationships. I am not willing to go there anymore and I was in all of those because I settled because I wasn't being too picky.

Staying single is a lot better than picking a life partner by lowering my standards because if I lower them for a guy, that means I lower them for myself.

If this episode resonated with you, please again take a moment and just if you haven't already, earlier rate and review this episode or this podcast if you're on Apple Podcasts. It will help me get some good guests for us at some point. Okay, this is the last part of the episode, the Glow Up.

So I remember a few times convincing myself to keep seeing someone I wasn't really excited about just because I let others words of you're too picky lead me astray. Essentially, I no longer do this. So this week, please just commit to not internalizing what others say about your standards for your life partner.

That's all. That's the Glow up. Just making that commitment to yourself and never wavering from that because you're worth it. Thanks so much for listening.

As always, I appreciate the support by you listening. I want you to remember, even if you're late, you're right on time. I will talk to you next Tuesday.