Single and Uninterested: Let’s Talk Bad Matchmaking

Speaker A: 00:00:02

Don't you hate it when someone tries to set you up with someone only because you're both single? Hi, welcome back to All About Being Single. Or welcome if you're new here. I'm your host, Wioleta. Let's get started.

The amount of times I've had friends or acquaintances try to hook me up with someone they know only because we're both single, they disregarding if we both like anything similar is has been a lot. It's been so much to the point I started not wanting to even go on these dates because I knew I'll never be interested in the other person.

And I'd almost be, like, appalled that somehow these people thought that we would somehow get along. So let's talk about why that was a problem and why that might be a problem for you.

So just because I'm single or that you're single, doesn't mean that you should try to hook me up with someone and anyone that you know who's also single. Being single isn't like a trait or a hobby. It's not like an invitation for bad matchmaking.

And I can't believe I even have to say this, but, like, people can both be single and incompatible. They can want different things, you know, some people want kids, some don't. Some people want marriage, some just want to be single, play the field.

Some people are funny, some aren't. Some people are organized, some aren't.

And I know that sometimes they say opposites attract, but usually opposites attract, but they don't stay together very long, set up. It'd be with someone clearly single for a reason, and not the good kind. You know, they'd be avoidant.

They didn't know how to talk to other people, or they didn't know how to talk to women. They were rude, okay?

Also them, the person they're trying to hook us up with, being nice, which I've heard a lot, you know, oh, this person's so nice. That is the second worst reason you should try to hook someone up. The first being they're single and you're single.

Nice is usually code for the opposite of kind. Nice is usually a people pleaser. Nice is not somebody I want to be with.

I want to be with somebody who's authentic, somebody who stands out for what they believe in, somebody who goes for what they want. Also, sometimes it's awkward to say no to somebody's attempt to go meet this other person, even though I might be wanting to say no from the get go.

You know, it's like they're trying to hook you up. They don't have bad intentions per se. It's just that they're just being like, oh my God, this person. Single. You're single.

Like that's literally the only reason I'm trying to set you up. And it's not, again, it's not a good enough reason.

And you know, sometimes if a friend or an acquaintance or a coworker, whoever, or family member, if they're trying to set you up with somebody and it's just not somebody that you're interested in at all, or like it's not somebody that you think would be a good fit and they try to set you up and you go on this date and you're like, why would you even think that this is somebody I would get along with, let alone date? It can build a little bit of resentment towards that person or you know, a little bit of like, what is my relationship to this person?

Why would they think that I would be interested in this other person they're trying to set me up with? What do they think about me essentially? Do they secretly hate me?

But also overall, just because I'm single doesn't mean I have to like or will be interested in everybody else who's single. Last but not least, lonely people don't automatically make good partners to each other. I would actually beg to say that they make horrible partners.

If you're lonely and you're trying to date only because you're lonely or you've been single for a long time, that's not a good foundation to start dating with. And I will end my little rant here with a positive though. Well, somewhat of a positive.

But I only know one person who got set up and it was because his sister in law really thought that her co worker and him would make such a great couple based on like the things that she knew about him, the things she knew about his now fiance. And they're actually getting married this month and that's obviously a great love story. And I'm so happy for him.

He was single for quite a long time before this, but literally is the only time I know of anybody getting set up with somebody that was actually a decent setup. And congrats to them. Pre congrats to them. Okay, so a hill I'll die on is just because I'm single and someone else is single.

Even in a sea of just couples. And even if I've been super lonely and wanting a relationship, it doesn't mean that we should date.

I'm not desperate and I won't just get into relationship to not be alone. And never again will I go on a date.

My friends or acquaintances are trying to have me go on out of like some kind of an obligation or just, you know, because quote unquote, it can hurt that it's just a date. Honestly, it can hurt. It can ruin your friendship with that person if you now believe that they think of you a certain way.

Depending on who they're trying to set you up with.

It also can contribute to more loneliness and a bigger feeling, maybe a bigger belief of like, there's nobody out there that's compatible with me or, you know, a feeling of failure that I keep going on these dates that just don't work out. Like, I do not want to go out on dates unless I feel the person might be right for me. I don't want to waste my time.

I know dating is supposed to be fun and I don't want to. I don't want to go do something I don't want to do. I don't want to go on a date when I don't feel it's going to be a good connection.

It is a waste of my time. It's a waste of my time.

If I'm going into the date not being excited, my expectation and my mindset will just not be what it needs to be in order for a day to even go well. And A, no like to stand on is. It almost seems like for some reason most times that people try to set up two single people.

It's like, A, do you even know me? B, do you even know the person you want me to date? C, why? Just why?

Please don't try to hook somebody up unless you truly believe that they would be a good fit based on what you know about both people and the note to self.

And for those of you who are new, basically what we do here is just I present you with a question, think about it, write it down, maybe say the answer to the question out loud to yourself. Whatever you want to do with it, you don't have to do anything with it.

Obviously, while you're thinking about the question, I'm gonna do a little dance because I do believe in dancing every day. So that gives you a little bit of time to think about it. Or if you're able to, you know, dance along with me. Sometimes my cat trouble dances with me.

Not always. Most of the time he doesn't. So basically he doesn't anyhow.

Have you ever been set up with someone's friend and been confused why they Thought it would be a good idea to get you two on a date. Okay, I'm back.

Obviously, as you have probably already guessed it, I have definitely had a few times in my life been set up by people just because I'm single and somebody else that they know are single as well. And every time this would happen, I would just be like, why? Just unbelievable. Like, why did you think that we would get along?

And the one thing I actually appreciate nowadays is I do have one of my girlfriends already kind of knows my style, already kind of knows what I like, what I don't. And she does not force me to go out with anybody. She.

If we do go out, and we don't go out too often, but if we do go out, she's like a good partner in crime. And she'll try to, like, go up to people that are I might be interested in and try to talk to them. Not for herself because she's married, but for me.

And now that she, like, she knows even if there's a friend in her, like, husband's friend group or whoever that is single, she knows if I'll be interested in them or not. And she doesn't, like, try to force it upon me and doesn't even bring that person up. If she kind of already knows, I would probably just say no.

Which I appreciate. I appreciate the discernment on her part. So let's get to the glow up. So I personally no longer date anymore based on just somebody's availability.

I date based on alignment. And I hope you do too. Or if you haven't gotten to that point yet, I believe you can do it. I know I'm not behind.

And I know I always say, even if we're late, we're right on time. And that's definitely how I feel. And there might be days when I feel like I'm behind, and that's normal.

I'm not always going to be in the super positive mindset. That's totally fine. But overall, I am selective with who I date, and that's been my glow up. So here's what I suggest you guys do.

Just write down a statement or a series of questions you will ask your friend or, you know, coworker, whoever's trying to set you up, why they think that that person is a good match for you. So maybe an example would be what made you think specifically of me being a good fit for so and so.

So this way you're prepared next time this happens and trump somebody tries to hook you up and you can discern if you even want to go on a date with them or not.

And, and you have a good out if you don't want to go out with that person and you're not just like agreeing to almost like trust this person to set you up with the right person.

I think a lot of times they, especially if they've been coupled up for a long time, they just believe, oh, you're single, you're single, let's try to set you up. Basically this kind of prepares you and gives you an easier way out if you really don't think that this person would be a compatible fit.

And maybe this person has tried to set you up with people and every time it's been like a miss. And maybe you believe that this person only wants you set up because you're both just single.

So again, this prepares you for the next time somebody does try to set you up and allows you. You already have like a preset way of handling that and being able to just say, hey, no, I don't think so. Or obviously you can always just say no.

Especially if this person in the past has tried to set you up and every time it just wasn't a good setup. You know, you don't ever have to obviously give any kind of a reason for not wanting to go out with somebody.

But also I do believe in not missing chances.

So I think that it's not the worst idea to at the very least ask why, so you can maybe see what that person sees and the other person they're trying to set you up with. And again, if there's nothing if they just say, oh, well, you know, I know they're single and you're single, why not?

Well then you kind of know they're not even really looking out for your best interest. They're not really actually interested in setting you up with a person they believe you'd be a good match to.

They just think, hey, you're single, they're single, you guys should go out. Cuz otherwise you're going to be single forever and that's not a good way to set anybody up. As always, thank you for listening.

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