"Put Yourself Out There" | The Worst Dating Advice Ever? | Episode 36
Coupled folks love to throw around the advice to "put yourself out there," like it’s the magic potion for singles. But let’s be real—it's not as easy as it sounds, right? I mean, it’s as if they think we’re just sitting at home twiddling our thumbs, waiting for Prince Charming to come rescue us from our basements. We dive into the reality that many of us are out there living our lives, whether it’s hiking, working, or grabbing coffee, but that doesn’t always mean we’re stumbling upon Mr. Right. We chat about how this classic advice often overlooks the complexity of dating, timing, and the sheer luck involved in making a meaningful connection. So, grab your headphones and let’s unravel this cliché together—because putting yourself out there might not be the golden ticket everyone thinks it is!
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Navigating the dating jungle, especially as a single person, can sometimes feel like a never-ending saga of unsolicited advice from coupled friends. You know the drill—everyone loves to tell us to ‘just put ourselves out there’ as if we’re hibernating in a cave waiting for Prince Charming to drop by. But let’s be real for a second. Sure, some folks might be sitting at home, but many of us are out there living our best lives—hitting up grocery stores, coffee shops, and even the occasional hiking trail. Yet, despite our best efforts, the elusive partner still manages to slip through our fingers like a bar of soap in a shower fight. The episode dives deep into the reality of what it means to put yourself out there, and it’s not just about swiping right on dating apps or going to bars filled with emotionally unavailable people. It’s about understanding the nuances of chance encounters and how timing and mutual attraction really play a role in finding that special someone. We chat about the irony of receiving advice from those who may have barely dipped their toes into the dating pool. It's almost comical when they suggest that finding love is as simple as just stepping out the door. We explore how many singles are already juggling work, social lives, and personal passions, and yet, the dating scene can still feel like a desert. I share my own experiences of being out in the world, from bustling coffee shops to serene hikes, and how even being conventionally attractive doesn’t guarantee that someone is going to stroll up and ask for my number. The episode is a reminder that while putting yourself out there is important, it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution, and there are so many factors at play that can make or break the connection. In the latter part of our chat, we tackle the frustrating contradictions in dating advice. You know, the classic "Stop looking, and it’ll happen" versus "You just need to put yourself out there!" It’s like a dating advice buffet where you can’t quite figure out what to plate up. We conclude with some empowering thoughts on how to reinterpret this cliché advice to actually work for us. Instead of chasing love, we talk about focusing on living fully and authentically, which might just lead to that unexpected connection. So, whether you’re single and ready to mingle or just enjoying your solo journey, this episode is packed with insights that remind us that love often comes when we least expect it.
Takeaways:
- Coupled friends often think we singles are just hiding away, waiting to be discovered.
- Living life fully doesn't guarantee we'll meet someone special, it's all about timing and luck.
- The phrase 'put yourself out there' means different things, and it's not a one-size-fits-all advice.
- Sometimes, being out there doesn't lead to healthy connections; it’s about quality over quantity.
- It's crucial to be selective and focus on what aligns with our needs and values in dating.
- Being single doesn’t mean being lonely; it's about enjoying our independence and growth.
Transcript
Coupled up people love telling us singles to put ourselves out there.
Speaker A:Like we're just sitting at home waiting to be found.
Speaker A:Welcome back.
Speaker A:Or welcome, if you're new here, to all about being Single.
Speaker A:I'm Violetta, your host.
Speaker A:Okay, so this is another episode on the series of things the Coupled up people say to us singles.
Speaker A:So this one that you just need to put yourself out there.
Speaker A:Ah, it sounds simple, which is why they give it to us as if we singles are not living out our lives at all and we're just staying in a basement hiding.
Speaker A:And sure, there might be some people who are doing that, but I would like to say that at least for a portion of most of our single lives, most people try to at least attempt to go out there and try to meet people.
Speaker A:And even without that, even without looking for that, a lot of us are just living our lives.
Speaker A:We're going to work, we're going in grocery store, we're going on walks or going on trips where even if we're not doing all those things, whatever it is that you're doing, you're just living your daily life.
Speaker A:And people do meet other people and their partners in the grocery store, you know, so it's not like we're just living in our basements.
Speaker A:Even work wise, a lot of people meet their future partner at work.
Speaker A:Most people have a job.
Speaker A:So most people are going into work at least sometimes.
Speaker A:And I know a lot of people work remote now, but that's kind of a newer thing.
Speaker A:So even before they were probably at least going into work every now and then.
Speaker A:A lot of us singers are literally doing so much.
Speaker A:I know I do more than most of my married or coupled up people because I have the extra time, because I don't have a partner and I do want to meet somebody.
Speaker A:And especially those of us with no kids like me, we'd kind of be probably bored without it, without doing a lot of stuff.
Speaker A:So being out there doesn't mean people that we're interested in are out there at the same time for us to meet either.
Speaker A:You know, there's such a thing as luck or fate or divine timing, mutual attraction that has to exist.
Speaker A:Other things have to align and order to actually meet the person or at least be aligned.
Speaker A:You know, just meeting people doesn't always lead to healthy connections.
Speaker A:Sometimes we meet people but we're not interested or they aren't interested in dating us.
Speaker A:Also, what even is out there?
Speaker A:Is it the apps?
Speaker A:Is it the bar?
Speaker A:Is it another bad situationship?
Speaker A:I've been out there which is why now I'm more intentional, because I don't want to date more emotionally unavailable people, because that's what's also out there is a lot of unemot emotionally unavailable people.
Speaker A:And I, for example, live my life.
Speaker A:I'm at coffee shops to work on things every weekend, like this podcast, for example.
Speaker A:I go hiking, and I walk a lot in my neighborhood, and I drive to other places to go hike and walk in.
Speaker A:I travel.
Speaker A:I go to dinner and events with friends, and by myself.
Speaker A:I still don't have men approaching me, okay?
Speaker A:So I'm out there, and I still don't have people actually showing interest or asking me out.
Speaker A:And I'm conventionally attractive, too.
Speaker A:And I'm not trying to say that in, like, a weird way, but, like.
Speaker A:And sometimes I don't feel attractive.
Speaker A:And that's a separate issue on its own, but I know I'm conventionally attractive.
Speaker A:And even that doesn't help in having men walk up and start conversations with me or even ask me out, because I hardly ever get asked out.
Speaker A:People in relationships often say this stuff because they haven't dated in a while, or they may be barely dated.
Speaker A:You know, maybe they went out someplace once and met someone that they're still with.
Speaker A:So they just think that that's how it works for.
Speaker A:Sometimes they just want to, like, give advice so they seem knowledgeable instead of saying, I know it sucks being single when you don't want to be single.
Speaker A:They forget that some people literally meet their person while at home.
Speaker A:Literally.
Speaker A:I mean, we know of those stories, or they're probably just urban legends of those people who called a repairman or woman or whatever, you know, when they were at their house needing something to be repaired, and that's the person they ended up marrying.
Speaker A:You just never know.
Speaker A:But in that case, that wasn't putting yourself out there.
Speaker A:That was it coming to you.
Speaker A:Sometimes what they mean by put yourself out there is just start asking people out left and right and constantly search for a life partner.
Speaker A:And that's also insanity to me, especially because it usually comes from those people who, as in the previous episode, tell you to stop looking, and that's when it'll happen.
Speaker A:But either way, not everyone is for me.
Speaker A:And I don't want just anyone.
Speaker A:And if you're listening, you probably don't either.
Speaker A:If this episode resonates with you, please take a moment and just share this with someone that you know who is single, who this might also resonate with.
Speaker A:I appreciate you doing that.
Speaker A:So never again.
Speaker A:Never again will I believe that just because someone met their significant other by what they believe is putting themselves out there, that that works universally.
Speaker A:Because I've put myself out there and I still do, and it has not led to me meeting my person.
Speaker A:And if you're listening to this, the same might apply to you.
Speaker A:So often you'll hear these contradicting cliche statements from the same person.
Speaker A:So again, it'll be, you just need to put yourself out there.
Speaker A:And then they'll say, you'll find them when you stop looking.
Speaker A:It's like, which one am I supposed to listen to?
Speaker A:And sometimes literally in the same conversation that you have with them about dating and relationships and being single and your valid one for connection, they'll throw these two conflicting statements at you.
Speaker A:And hello, Diane, is that effort in dating and putting yourself out there does not equal getting into a healthy relationship.
Speaker A:Because timing and luck and alignment and, you know, alignment and needs and wants and lifestyle and a bunch of other things all contribute to a healthy relationship.
Speaker A:Okay, let's do our note to self.
Speaker A:If you're new to this podcast, I do a little question at this time and then I'll come back from a little break and answer it myself usually.
Speaker A:But what happens is I'll dance for about a 30.
Speaker A:Well, I dance to a full song, but I cut that out for you and I give you a little 30 second break where you get to think about the question or dance with me.
Speaker A:So here's your question for today.
Speaker A:Have you ever been told to put yourself out there and did it actually help?
Speaker A:Foreign.
Speaker A:Hi, I'm back.
Speaker A:So I did start putting myself out there more, but not in the sense of what couples mean when they say this.
Speaker A:I just started living on my own life more and just not trying to find someone to date.
Speaker A:And that's what worked wonders.
Speaker A:Not by finding somebody, but by knowing that I'm okay by myself.
Speaker A:Because some of us like me have been out there actually trying to find somebody.
Speaker A:And that's why I think we're just more selective now.
Speaker A:And I stopped entertaining what doesn't align with me.
Speaker A:But yeah, so I put myself out there by doing this pod, by living my life and traveling solo and walking a lot and just doing all the things for me and not to just find someone.
Speaker A:Okay, the very last one.
Speaker A:How can you use this cliche advice of put yourself out there to your advantage?
Speaker A:So that's your glow up for this week.
Speaker A:Think about that question.
Speaker A:You know, what is your spin on this advice?
Speaker A:Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker A:I want you to remember, even if you're late, you're right on time.
Speaker A:I will talk to you next Tuesday.
